So This Is Christmas....

Thirty One Days

It's been thirty one days since I touched a narcotic.

No heroin.

No morphine.

No fentanyl.

Not even any ambiene.

I'd pride myself on this accomplishment, but it's also been twenty days since I've eaten any solid food. I'm not starving, but I don't feel my best. This fasting is for my surgery on Monday. They didn't tell me to fast, but I want the anesthetic to really kick in, so I'm not eating until the day of the surgery (afterwards) and while I want to say that I am never going to touch narcotics again, I know that's just not true. I know that eventually I will fall from grace.

I've separated myself from my family. I miss them incredibly, but at the same time, I can't go home until Sunday. Just in time to miss Matt's birthday. But I am happy. I had a good run out here in old LA and I certainly feel closer to my friend Sid for this experience. I'm hoping to come back in the summer and really see all that Los Angeles has to offer. Good stuff that is.

So if you're in Recovery like I am, congratulations! If you've made it as far as I have, double congratulations! If you're further, you need a medal. At first I was weak. I stayed up all night with sweats, neuropathy, horrible pains. But I feel better now. I feel like I can conquer this and get on with my life. My doctor says there is no end. That I will soon be back mooching pops off of people and blowing my money on heroin. No, not likely.

Now I must head off to bed. It's only 8pm here, but I feel like it's 10pm. I just haven't adjusted to the new time zone. I guess since I'm leaving in a couple of days, there's no need to try, now.

It's been thirty one days since I touched a narcotic.

No heroin.

No morphine.

No fentanyl.

Not even any ambiene.

I'd pride myself on this accomplishment, but it's also been twenty days since I've eaten any solid food. I'm not starving, but I don't feel my best. This fasting is for my surgery on Monday. They didn't tell me to fast, but I want the anesthetic to really kick in, so I'm not eating until the day of the surgery (afterwards) and while I want to say that I am never going to touch narcotics again, I know that's just not true. I know that eventually I will fall from grace.

I've separated myself from my family. I miss them incredibly, but at the same time, I can't go home until Sunday. Just in time to miss Matt's birthday. But I am happy. I had a good run out here in old LA and I certainly feel closer to my friend Sid for this experience. I'm hoping to come back in the summer and really see all that Los Angeles has to offer. Good stuff that is.

So if you're in Recovery like I am, congratulations! If you've made it as far as I have, double congratulations! If you're further, you need a medal. At first I was weak. I stayed up all night with sweats, neuropathy, horrible pains. But I feel better now. I feel like I can conquer this and get on with my life. My doctor says there is no end. That I will soon be back mooching pops off of people and blowing my money on heroin. No, not likely.

Now I must head off to bed. It's only 8pm here, but I feel like it's 10pm. I just haven't adjusted to the new time zone. I guess since I'm leaving in a couple of days, there's no need to try, now.

Naloxone

I keep getting hits from http://www.chasingdragonsaway.com/ but I can't seem to find my link. Help? We should talk!

So I was taken to the hospital the other day. I was still tripping hard, and I made it to my doctor's appointment, but still high. My heart was racing, I was dehydrated slightly, and my doctor sent me to the emergency room.

Several days later, my doctor says that if I don't get "help" he's not going to be my doctor anymore. That's fine with me. I've lost more people in this world that mean a lot more than he does. But that's not the issue. The issue is why I shoot up these days. My back hurts. I've lost over 100 lbs of weight, I've tried fentanyl, morphine, and tizanadine. Nothing touches the pain like heroin. I never quite ended up writhing in pain like in the old propaganda films, from withdrawal, but I got pain relief, and I got it fast. I am able to drive home, function normally, and take a nap. I see no downside to use, other than "it's illegal". So is me driving 100 MPH trying to make my doctor appointments while not wearing a seatbelt in a car that I pulled the air bag out of months ago.

The point is, I do lots of illegal things. I steal music and movies from the internet, I rip vinyl. I drive excessively fast without a seat belt. I do many things that are "bad" for my health. I eat fatty foods, I take prescription drugs that haven't been fully tested, I have slept with men I don't know their last names, I drink large, sugary sodas and coffees, I smoke nicotine. After the 11th, I'll be adding "I attended a pot party" to that list. Shooting up is the only thing that I do that has its benefits for me, medically. And I have never had to resort to illegal activities to acquire it. I've never stolen, pawned, lied or murdered to get my hands on my hits. The money comes strictly from my own pay check.

Yes, I maintain a job too. Something I'm confident in saying I couldn't do if I were in the extreme pain of a broken spine all the time.

In the hospital, they gave me Naloxone. I hate that shit. Every time I go to the ED, they shoot me up with Naloxone, and then ask why I'm there. So while I'm puking my guts out from the Naloxone, I have to answer to staff members that just want something to put in the police report. After the Naloxone wears off, I'm up shit creek without a paddle. The high comes back, and I agree with whatever the staff says to get out of there before they give me another dose. Before they realise that I am comfortable again.

I know there are no legally benefits to using. But there are benefits for me and people like me. People whom normal narcotics don't work for, so I have to go to higher doses or turn to shooting up. It's not a glamourous choice, and if I had my way, I wouldn't be in any pain so harsh that I have to sneak at the pub to get it. I wouldn't  have to have Nick duck down in my car when I'm taking him the the supplier in exchange for a hit, when a police car goes by. Because we get pulled over when the cops see him in the car with me. I'm well known to the police here. They know I'm doing shit, they just don't have the evidence to book me because I've been careful. I shoot before I leave the pub. I dispose of my materials before I leave.

I don't recommend that people in pain turn to heroin. I don't recommend that anyone get a habit or become a hype. I don't believe that I have a habit. I don't think I am a hype. I use when I am in pain or serious withdrawal, and that is it. I don't use every day and I can go for months without using. I just wish that more people understood why using is something that I do for pain relief and the occasional withdrawal relief and not something habitual.

I keep getting hits from http://www.chasingdragonsaway.com/ but I can't seem to find my link. Help? We should talk!

So I was taken to the hospital the other day. I was still tripping hard, and I made it to my doctor's appointment, but still high. My heart was racing, I was dehydrated slightly, and my doctor sent me to the emergency room.

Several days later, my doctor says that if I don't get "help" he's not going to be my doctor anymore. That's fine with me. I've lost more people in this world that mean a lot more than he does. But that's not the issue. The issue is why I shoot up these days. My back hurts. I've lost over 100 lbs of weight, I've tried fentanyl, morphine, and tizanadine. Nothing touches the pain like heroin. I never quite ended up writhing in pain like in the old propaganda films, from withdrawal, but I got pain relief, and I got it fast. I am able to drive home, function normally, and take a nap. I see no downside to use, other than "it's illegal". So is me driving 100 MPH trying to make my doctor appointments while not wearing a seatbelt in a car that I pulled the air bag out of months ago.

The point is, I do lots of illegal things. I steal music and movies from the internet, I rip vinyl. I drive excessively fast without a seat belt. I do many things that are "bad" for my health. I eat fatty foods, I take prescription drugs that haven't been fully tested, I have slept with men I don't know their last names, I drink large, sugary sodas and coffees, I smoke nicotine. After the 11th, I'll be adding "I attended a pot party" to that list. Shooting up is the only thing that I do that has its benefits for me, medically. And I have never had to resort to illegal activities to acquire it. I've never stolen, pawned, lied or murdered to get my hands on my hits. The money comes strictly from my own pay check.

Yes, I maintain a job too. Something I'm confident in saying I couldn't do if I were in the extreme pain of a broken spine all the time.

In the hospital, they gave me Naloxone. I hate that shit. Every time I go to the ED, they shoot me up with Naloxone, and then ask why I'm there. So while I'm puking my guts out from the Naloxone, I have to answer to staff members that just want something to put in the police report. After the Naloxone wears off, I'm up shit creek without a paddle. The high comes back, and I agree with whatever the staff says to get out of there before they give me another dose. Before they realise that I am comfortable again.

I know there are no legally benefits to using. But there are benefits for me and people like me. People whom normal narcotics don't work for, so I have to go to higher doses or turn to shooting up. It's not a glamourous choice, and if I had my way, I wouldn't be in any pain so harsh that I have to sneak at the pub to get it. I wouldn't  have to have Nick duck down in my car when I'm taking him the the supplier in exchange for a hit, when a police car goes by. Because we get pulled over when the cops see him in the car with me. I'm well known to the police here. They know I'm doing shit, they just don't have the evidence to book me because I've been careful. I shoot before I leave the pub. I dispose of my materials before I leave.

I don't recommend that people in pain turn to heroin. I don't recommend that anyone get a habit or become a hype. I don't believe that I have a habit. I don't think I am a hype. I use when I am in pain or serious withdrawal, and that is it. I don't use every day and I can go for months without using. I just wish that more people understood why using is something that I do for pain relief and the occasional withdrawal relief and not something habitual.

Mandy's Link

Today we're going to take a little trip away from the usual and post a link to a needy family. I know charity is something people only think about twice a year, at most, but that doesn't mean that people are only needy twice a year. All year long, people need our help. It's especially hard when they're close to your heart and you can't help them because your check hasn't come in and your husband rules the bank account like a miser, probably because of his solo project and its prospective to fail, but either way, I can vouch for this family and  tell you that they really need help.

Send anything you can to the Webbs. Even if it's just a dollar. Everything can and will help.

Today we're going to take a little trip away from the usual and post a link to a needy family. I know charity is something people only think about twice a year, at most, but that doesn't mean that people are only needy twice a year. All year long, people need our help. It's especially hard when they're close to your heart and you can't help them because your check hasn't come in and your husband rules the bank account like a miser, probably because of his solo project and its prospective to fail, but either way, I can vouch for this family and  tell you that they really need help.

Send anything you can to the Webbs. Even if it's just a dollar. Everything can and will help.

Birthday

Happy birthday to me!

Happy birthday to me!

How I'm Able To Get Prescriptions

Some one asked in the comments how I'm still able to get prescriptions when clearly I abused (and still have abused narcotics this year) narcotics in the past, to the point of addiction? It's very simple. I was diagnosed with cancer, for the third time, in 2012. Cancer that has eaten away at parts of my spine and the discs in my back. That's very painful, even for someone who hadn't ruined their pain tolerance with the use of narcotics. My spine is actually broken from an accident I was involved in in 2003. I was hit by a car while taking the trash out. So never take the trash out. ha ha. In all seriousness, this is something that only surgery will cure and right now my doctor won't approve surgery because he says I'm "too heavy" at 122 lbs, and that he's uncertain how my cancer is going to pan out. I'll go into this more when it's not the middle of the night and I'm updating my birthday want/wish list.

I posted this on my blog last month. I hope I don't sound like a total bitch. I was just posting the facts, ma'am.

I updated my recovery blog this weekend. Someone asked how I still get prescriptions. I’m inrecovery. Being in recovery means that I have the trust of my doctor and pharmacist. I’m in chronic pain and I have x rays that show this. I’m not exaggerating my broken back or my herniated discs, or my arthritic knees. These ailments really haunt me. Because he doesn’t want to be responsible for my pain management, my doctor sends me to a pain specialist. I get Fentanyl and Percocet, even though they are essentially the same thing. I flush my pain meds because I tend to lose myself in them. I do the same with muscle relaxers and sleeping pills. It’s sad and tragic that my body has betrayed me, but the real reason I started abusing drugs in the first place was to attempt to relieve my back pain. I wasn’t always a junkie. I took opiates because I researched them. At the time I started my true addiction, I was hooked on opiates because I had no doctor and no way to get to one, so I turned to street drugs, buying Percocet and heroin, snorting cocaine here and there. Today I’m under a doctor’s care and strict drug testing. So even when I do street drugs, and I haven’t touched any sinceFebruary, I am usually caught and my pain medication taken away. At first it’s no big deal, but when you’re going three to six days without any form of relief, it really gets to you. Plus, when I test positive for street drugs, I’m under surveillance by the police, so I don’t dare buy narcotics.
I feel that going three months without buying narcotics on the street is a good thing. I passed out because I was on narcotics in front of the doctor, and I spent a couple of days in the hospital because of it. I never want to do that again, so I’m abstaining from buying illegal narcotics. That includes marijuana.
So that’s how and why I still get prescriptions. Plus the majority of my prescriptions are insulin, anti-diabetic medications, blood pressure pills, cholesterol pills and other medicines that are not opiates. I take one sleeping pill and two muscle relaxers at night to help me sleep. While I wish I had the control released sleeping pill, I have to make due with what I’ve got.
I never really went through withdrawal. If I did, I don’t remember it. I’m sure I went through some kind of withdrawal, because I was on an anti-withdrawal medication. Alas, I do not remember it.

Being in recovery excites me. It makes me feel that I'm not weak, that I can over come anything. If I can over come a drug addiction, I can over come anything.

If I'm in recovery, why do I keep this blog?

Why do you blog? Why did you start blogging? Do you still blog for that same reason?

This blog is about recovery, before, during and after drug addiction. Obviously I didn't wake up one day and say, "I think I'll be a drug addict from now on!" No one does that. Many of us in recovery are regretful of that first use. I, however, am not. It gave me something to touch base on with the man that I am now married to, who gave me four beautiful children. It made me who I am, fighting pain of a disease that is eating away at my body. It gave me so much more than it took away from me. For a while, though, that wasn't true. For seven years, someone I was close to would die. Usually terrible, and usually I witnessed it. The life of drugs is like that. You see death. You see painful deaths. You get raped. You get robbed. You get tricked and conned. I was a victim of all of that. The small amount of joy drugs brings you at first is not worth the path it leads you down, but you don't realise that in the beginning. No one does. And if they do, they don't care.

So be smart. Don't start.

Some one asked in the comments how I'm still able to get prescriptions when clearly I abused (and still have abused narcotics this year) narcotics in the past, to the point of addiction? It's very simple. I was diagnosed with cancer, for the third time, in 2012. Cancer that has eaten away at parts of my spine and the discs in my back. That's very painful, even for someone who hadn't ruined their pain tolerance with the use of narcotics. My spine is actually broken from an accident I was involved in in 2003. I was hit by a car while taking the trash out. So never take the trash out. ha ha. In all seriousness, this is something that only surgery will cure and right now my doctor won't approve surgery because he says I'm "too heavy" at 122 lbs, and that he's uncertain how my cancer is going to pan out. I'll go into this more when it's not the middle of the night and I'm updating my birthday want/wish list.

I posted this on my blog last month. I hope I don't sound like a total bitch. I was just posting the facts, ma'am.

I updated my recovery blog this weekend. Someone asked how I still get prescriptions. I’m inrecovery. Being in recovery means that I have the trust of my doctor and pharmacist. I’m in chronic pain and I have x rays that show this. I’m not exaggerating my broken back or my herniated discs, or my arthritic knees. These ailments really haunt me. Because he doesn’t want to be responsible for my pain management, my doctor sends me to a pain specialist. I get Fentanyl and Percocet, even though they are essentially the same thing. I flush my pain meds because I tend to lose myself in them. I do the same with muscle relaxers and sleeping pills. It’s sad and tragic that my body has betrayed me, but the real reason I started abusing drugs in the first place was to attempt to relieve my back pain. I wasn’t always a junkie. I took opiates because I researched them. At the time I started my true addiction, I was hooked on opiates because I had no doctor and no way to get to one, so I turned to street drugs, buying Percocet and heroin, snorting cocaine here and there. Today I’m under a doctor’s care and strict drug testing. So even when I do street drugs, and I haven’t touched any sinceFebruary, I am usually caught and my pain medication taken away. At first it’s no big deal, but when you’re going three to six days without any form of relief, it really gets to you. Plus, when I test positive for street drugs, I’m under surveillance by the police, so I don’t dare buy narcotics.
I feel that going three months without buying narcotics on the street is a good thing. I passed out because I was on narcotics in front of the doctor, and I spent a couple of days in the hospital because of it. I never want to do that again, so I’m abstaining from buying illegal narcotics. That includes marijuana.
So that’s how and why I still get prescriptions. Plus the majority of my prescriptions are insulin, anti-diabetic medications, blood pressure pills, cholesterol pills and other medicines that are not opiates. I take one sleeping pill and two muscle relaxers at night to help me sleep. While I wish I had the control released sleeping pill, I have to make due with what I’ve got.
I never really went through withdrawal. If I did, I don’t remember it. I’m sure I went through some kind of withdrawal, because I was on an anti-withdrawal medication. Alas, I do not remember it.

Being in recovery excites me. It makes me feel that I'm not weak, that I can over come anything. If I can over come a drug addiction, I can over come anything.

If I'm in recovery, why do I keep this blog?

Why do you blog? Why did you start blogging? Do you still blog for that same reason?

This blog is about recovery, before, during and after drug addiction. Obviously I didn't wake up one day and say, "I think I'll be a drug addict from now on!" No one does that. Many of us in recovery are regretful of that first use. I, however, am not. It gave me something to touch base on with the man that I am now married to, who gave me four beautiful children. It made me who I am, fighting pain of a disease that is eating away at my body. It gave me so much more than it took away from me. For a while, though, that wasn't true. For seven years, someone I was close to would die. Usually terrible, and usually I witnessed it. The life of drugs is like that. You see death. You see painful deaths. You get raped. You get robbed. You get tricked and conned. I was a victim of all of that. The small amount of joy drugs brings you at first is not worth the path it leads you down, but you don't realise that in the beginning. No one does. And if they do, they don't care.

So be smart. Don't start.

Supportive

I appreciate all the comments I've been getting these past couple of months. Being addicted to anything, whether it's cigarettes, alcohol or hard core drugs. Support is important, and I wish I had more of it. I wish that things were different in my life, and that I had never touched drugs. Sometimes I wish that I had never done a lot of the things in my life, even if they are positive. I have no regrets, but I have a lot of "what if"s. A lot of mistakes that I don't regret that many people feel I should regret them. Why? They are my mistakes to have been made.

Dennis was sick for the while that he was gone. I don't feel sorry for him. I could have nursed him back to health on my own, but he chose to be with one of his friends. We have a lot of growing to do in this relationship, and that scares me. Many things come to mind when I think about us growing as a couple. Some of my friends have expressed that one never quite stops growing when you're in a relationship. Dennis is my main support. My cheerleader. As I was his. We leaned on each other when there was no one else in our lives who cared it we lived or died. There were people who said we were wasted lives, and there were people who said we should just give up. But we never gave up on each other.

Yes, I get mad at Dennis for not always being there for me, when I think he should be. But he has proven time and time again that he really does care for me and that he has been there when it mattered the most.

Since my last post, there has been more accumulation of Fentanyl and hydrocodone in the house. I have kept it around for God knows what reason, and then flushed it. I can't have that shit around, because I know I will fall from grace. Being weak. It's all I know how to be sometimes. Other times I don't know how I feel.

I wish Dennis trusted me more. Or that I felt he did. I feel that he trusts his friends more than he does me, and that sucks because I'm supposed to be his best friend. I know he is my best friend and that I trust him with my life. Perhaps it's time that we went back to couples' therapy? I know I've benefitted from therapy in the past. Maybe it's time we went back to therapy to benefit our future.

I appreciate all the comments I've been getting these past couple of months. Being addicted to anything, whether it's cigarettes, alcohol or hard core drugs. Support is important, and I wish I had more of it. I wish that things were different in my life, and that I had never touched drugs. Sometimes I wish that I had never done a lot of the things in my life, even if they are positive. I have no regrets, but I have a lot of "what if"s. A lot of mistakes that I don't regret that many people feel I should regret them. Why? They are my mistakes to have been made.

Dennis was sick for the while that he was gone. I don't feel sorry for him. I could have nursed him back to health on my own, but he chose to be with one of his friends. We have a lot of growing to do in this relationship, and that scares me. Many things come to mind when I think about us growing as a couple. Some of my friends have expressed that one never quite stops growing when you're in a relationship. Dennis is my main support. My cheerleader. As I was his. We leaned on each other when there was no one else in our lives who cared it we lived or died. There were people who said we were wasted lives, and there were people who said we should just give up. But we never gave up on each other.

Yes, I get mad at Dennis for not always being there for me, when I think he should be. But he has proven time and time again that he really does care for me and that he has been there when it mattered the most.

Since my last post, there has been more accumulation of Fentanyl and hydrocodone in the house. I have kept it around for God knows what reason, and then flushed it. I can't have that shit around, because I know I will fall from grace. Being weak. It's all I know how to be sometimes. Other times I don't know how I feel.

I wish Dennis trusted me more. Or that I felt he did. I feel that he trusts his friends more than he does me, and that sucks because I'm supposed to be his best friend. I know he is my best friend and that I trust him with my life. Perhaps it's time that we went back to couples' therapy? I know I've benefitted from therapy in the past. Maybe it's time we went back to therapy to benefit our future.