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Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Fallen Angel

An excerpt from comatised:

On Thursday I fell from grace. I'd like to say that there was too much pressure and that I just couldn't control myself, but that would be a lie. I consciously went out and did what I did and I hate myself for doing it. I hate that I took our money that was supposed to be for other things and bought that poison. I hate that I left my phone at home so that I couldn't be reached to be talked out of what I was doing. I worried Dennis and he nearly called the police. I knew if I heard his voice asking where I had gone, I would turn around and come home. I didn't want to come home. I didn't want to hear his voice. I just wanted the release of heroin and that's what I went after.

The new guy selling as a much more potent batch than Byron. Byron sold a cheaper, sleezier batch, but this guy sells a batch so strong that one sees fuzzy tan blankets over their eyes. It was hard to stumble to my car, but I was able to do so. The new guy also is far more afraid to sell to those who don't use. Use in front of him, or you can't buy from him. I'm secretly glad that I chose to use in front of him, rather than bring it home and have to hide it for a few hours until Dennis fell asleep and Zinnia stopped crying for the night.

The drive home was interesting. The tan blanket was gone by the time I reached the car. I was seeing sparks, waves in front of my eyes. Lights, puddles, the moon, they all reflected that light in front of my eyes. I wasn't light headed, but I was dizzy. The world was moving at a normal speed, so I felt I was safe to drive. I've driven home waaaay more tipsy than that before. In a way, I wasn't really high. I felt good, but I felt better than when I was high the last time.

The morning after, I hated myself. I made excuses for myself and then immediately hated myself some more. The morning after, there was no excuse for what I had done. Worried my family, lied, "borrowed" the car without anyone knowing. I want to say that I had fun, but I can't even convince myself that I did that. I am just weak. I cannot beat this, and I'm beginning to think that I never will. That I will always be like this, sneaky, sick and generally a weirdo, after one thing. Jimmy was right about me. I'll never change, and at the rate I am going, I will never have anyone close to me because of it.
An excerpt from comatised:

On Thursday I fell from grace. I'd like to say that there was too much pressure and that I just couldn't control myself, but that would be a lie. I consciously went out and did what I did and I hate myself for doing it. I hate that I took our money that was supposed to be for other things and bought that poison. I hate that I left my phone at home so that I couldn't be reached to be talked out of what I was doing. I worried Dennis and he nearly called the police. I knew if I heard his voice asking where I had gone, I would turn around and come home. I didn't want to come home. I didn't want to hear his voice. I just wanted the release of heroin and that's what I went after.

The new guy selling as a much more potent batch than Byron. Byron sold a cheaper, sleezier batch, but this guy sells a batch so strong that one sees fuzzy tan blankets over their eyes. It was hard to stumble to my car, but I was able to do so. The new guy also is far more afraid to sell to those who don't use. Use in front of him, or you can't buy from him. I'm secretly glad that I chose to use in front of him, rather than bring it home and have to hide it for a few hours until Dennis fell asleep and Zinnia stopped crying for the night.

The drive home was interesting. The tan blanket was gone by the time I reached the car. I was seeing sparks, waves in front of my eyes. Lights, puddles, the moon, they all reflected that light in front of my eyes. I wasn't light headed, but I was dizzy. The world was moving at a normal speed, so I felt I was safe to drive. I've driven home waaaay more tipsy than that before. In a way, I wasn't really high. I felt good, but I felt better than when I was high the last time.

The morning after, I hated myself. I made excuses for myself and then immediately hated myself some more. The morning after, there was no excuse for what I had done. Worried my family, lied, "borrowed" the car without anyone knowing. I want to say that I had fun, but I can't even convince myself that I did that. I am just weak. I cannot beat this, and I'm beginning to think that I never will. That I will always be like this, sneaky, sick and generally a weirdo, after one thing. Jimmy was right about me. I'll never change, and at the rate I am going, I will never have anyone close to me because of it.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Fentanyl No More

On August 4, 2013 (I think) I stopped using Fentanyl. It made my arms feel all weird at first, but I really believe that I made the right choice on stopping all narcotics. Even if my back is killing me, even if I have long term withdrawals.

I got a phone call tonight from a friend who had his gall bladder out, and he took the entire bottle of pain killers. No worrying; he's opioid intolerant like me, and the pills were low dose. After throwing up, because of the Acetaminophen in them, and after the hallucinations, he felt high. For a few moments, I wanted to feel that high as well, but I can't do that anymore. I have a life that drugs have no place in anymore. Dennis is completely supportive of me stopping all drug use, even if it means I have to physically suffer for a short period of time.

I also unwillingly gave up coffee. I haven't had a cup since June. I think it was harder to give up than the narcotics. I don't feel any better, I just feel. If that makes sense.

Friday I am going through another cancer treatment. My cancer is in my kidney and it's inoperable. I worry that it has spread and that's why I cannot have it operated on, and why I was given chemotherapy instead of other treatments. I don't like to think about my treatments. They leave me foggy and sleepy. I am offered all sorts of pain killers while I am in treatment, but I refuse them all the time.

I've about had it with Blogger. The paragraphs don't work, the posts repeat themselves in the same frame, I always get some ridiculous captcha that Blogger never recognises when I type it in. Normally, if I get the captcha wrong, Blogger eats my comment. I wish I could keep the same URL and just use WordPress on here. But it doesn't work that way. If I want to keep my URL (and I do!!) I have to use Blogger.

I'm breaking out in a cold sweat now, so I'm going to attempt to go to bed. How are you? Do you have any advice for me about the Blogger problem? Want to wish me well in treatment? Don't be afraid to comment. I love getting comments, and I love interacting with people!
On August 4, 2013 (I think) I stopped using Fentanyl. It made my arms feel all weird at first, but I really believe that I made the right choice on stopping all narcotics. Even if my back is killing me, even if I have long term withdrawals.

I got a phone call tonight from a friend who had his gall bladder out, and he took the entire bottle of pain killers. No worrying; he's opioid intolerant like me, and the pills were low dose. After throwing up, because of the Acetaminophen in them, and after the hallucinations, he felt high. For a few moments, I wanted to feel that high as well, but I can't do that anymore. I have a life that drugs have no place in anymore. Dennis is completely supportive of me stopping all drug use, even if it means I have to physically suffer for a short period of time.

I also unwillingly gave up coffee. I haven't had a cup since June. I think it was harder to give up than the narcotics. I don't feel any better, I just feel. If that makes sense.

Friday I am going through another cancer treatment. My cancer is in my kidney and it's inoperable. I worry that it has spread and that's why I cannot have it operated on, and why I was given chemotherapy instead of other treatments. I don't like to think about my treatments. They leave me foggy and sleepy. I am offered all sorts of pain killers while I am in treatment, but I refuse them all the time.

I've about had it with Blogger. The paragraphs don't work, the posts repeat themselves in the same frame, I always get some ridiculous captcha that Blogger never recognises when I type it in. Normally, if I get the captcha wrong, Blogger eats my comment. I wish I could keep the same URL and just use WordPress on here. But it doesn't work that way. If I want to keep my URL (and I do!!) I have to use Blogger.

I'm breaking out in a cold sweat now, so I'm going to attempt to go to bed. How are you? Do you have any advice for me about the Blogger problem? Want to wish me well in treatment? Don't be afraid to comment. I love getting comments, and I love interacting with people!
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