Make It Go Away

Not an easy subject to write about: I want some things to go away. The emotional stressors of life are piling up on me and have been for months. Gotta do this, gotta be there. It's enough to make one want to find a convient hole in the ground and crawl into it. I've been asked for my opinion on things and then had insults and lies hurled at me when I was honest. When I cry, I am weak. If I am caught taking my daily medication, I am worthless. Why does it have to be this way?

I have been too sick to eat much over the past month. Too sick to do much of anything other than lie in bed and watch TV. All that lethargy caused me to get a blood clot. That clot put me in the hospital for a week and made me fret over whether or not I was going to miss Christmas and the tree trimmings with my family. Life is being particularly shitty to me right now, and when I try to lean on others, they back away. Fucking fair weather assholes.

I wish there were a quick fix for post-traumatic stress disorder, and the psychological trauma that I have endured. The fear that I have had to deal with on a daily basis for the past decade has done a toll on me. There are no easy answers for the reason I am broken. There are no quick fixes to soothe my soul and heal my heart. All that is left is the option to live, and I have taken that option, and I am happy with it. Others, however, are not so happy that I am where I am in life. They are the aggressors of the fear that eats away at me on a daily basis. They are the antagonists that cause my self-medication so I won't care what they do or say. If I don't care, I don't react, and they don't know if they've gotten to me.

It will all be better soon. I just know it.

Not an easy subject to write about: I want some things to go away. The emotional stressors of life are piling up on me and have been for months. Gotta do this, gotta be there. It's enough to make one want to find a convient hole in the ground and crawl into it. I've been asked for my opinion on things and then had insults and lies hurled at me when I was honest. When I cry, I am weak. If I am caught taking my daily medication, I am worthless. Why does it have to be this way?

I have been too sick to eat much over the past month. Too sick to do much of anything other than lie in bed and watch TV. All that lethargy caused me to get a blood clot. That clot put me in the hospital for a week and made me fret over whether or not I was going to miss Christmas and the tree trimmings with my family. Life is being particularly shitty to me right now, and when I try to lean on others, they back away. Fucking fair weather assholes.

I wish there were a quick fix for post-traumatic stress disorder, and the psychological trauma that I have endured. The fear that I have had to deal with on a daily basis for the past decade has done a toll on me. There are no easy answers for the reason I am broken. There are no quick fixes to soothe my soul and heal my heart. All that is left is the option to live, and I have taken that option, and I am happy with it. Others, however, are not so happy that I am where I am in life. They are the aggressors of the fear that eats away at me on a daily basis. They are the antagonists that cause my self-medication so I won't care what they do or say. If I don't care, I don't react, and they don't know if they've gotten to me.

It will all be better soon. I just know it.

Fight Dogs, I'm For Ya

Last week I broke my left big toe.

It was painful, and I cried much after the fact.

I asked, nay, begged, to be allowed to get medical attention, only to be told that if I did, I should expect my things to be destroyed and new locks on the doors (to my own house, nevertheless!), and I would be arrested for "trespassing".  What the fuck...?

This lovely news was brought to me by my mother who has been living with us for over a year now. What started out as an "I need a place to stay for the weekend" has turned into a thirteen month nightmare with me as the catalyst. My mother dislikes me. Down right hates me. I've known that for twenty-six years, and that is not what bothers me. What bothers me is how well she has everyone else convinced that I am the Ultimate Evil and how she is the innocent victim.

It also bothers me that my brother in law is back to screwing around with his ex, who abused the ever loving shit out of this entire dysfunctional family for eight years and how he did nothing to stop it. She's back, with him in her clutches, and there's nothing I can do but cut him loose. When I found this out as I was being wheeled down to radiology, I slammed on the breaks of the wheelchair and demanded that he go back and get me a nurse or orderly to take me the rest of the way to radiology. Fuck that shit. I wasn't going to have some one who was as stupid as him take me anywhere.

The sob story came much, much later, when he was telling me this afternoon how his ex has not contacted him since Monday, when she begged a few grand out of him. "And you sent it to her, right?" I asked. He didn't answer that, so I can only feel that he really did give her the money. That's all he is to her, money bags. Rich Idiot, if you will. I promptly told him not to contact me anymore. I don't need that shit in my life at this time.

Upon glancing at his blog, he's in a sexual relationship with someone named Amanda. I wonder if this is his plot to try to say that my friend Mandy is sleeping with him, so I should trust him. Sorry, dude. That doesn't work for me.

I am tempted to move my brother in law in with my mother and let them kill each other. Hey, it's a thought!

There are many thoughts swimming through my mind right now. None that is worthy of being written down, though.

Last week I broke my left big toe.

It was painful, and I cried much after the fact.

I asked, nay, begged, to be allowed to get medical attention, only to be told that if I did, I should expect my things to be destroyed and new locks on the doors (to my own house, nevertheless!), and I would be arrested for "trespassing".  What the fuck...?

This lovely news was brought to me by my mother who has been living with us for over a year now. What started out as an "I need a place to stay for the weekend" has turned into a thirteen month nightmare with me as the catalyst. My mother dislikes me. Down right hates me. I've known that for twenty-six years, and that is not what bothers me. What bothers me is how well she has everyone else convinced that I am the Ultimate Evil and how she is the innocent victim.

It also bothers me that my brother in law is back to screwing around with his ex, who abused the ever loving shit out of this entire dysfunctional family for eight years and how he did nothing to stop it. She's back, with him in her clutches, and there's nothing I can do but cut him loose. When I found this out as I was being wheeled down to radiology, I slammed on the breaks of the wheelchair and demanded that he go back and get me a nurse or orderly to take me the rest of the way to radiology. Fuck that shit. I wasn't going to have some one who was as stupid as him take me anywhere.

The sob story came much, much later, when he was telling me this afternoon how his ex has not contacted him since Monday, when she begged a few grand out of him. "And you sent it to her, right?" I asked. He didn't answer that, so I can only feel that he really did give her the money. That's all he is to her, money bags. Rich Idiot, if you will. I promptly told him not to contact me anymore. I don't need that shit in my life at this time.

Upon glancing at his blog, he's in a sexual relationship with someone named Amanda. I wonder if this is his plot to try to say that my friend Mandy is sleeping with him, so I should trust him. Sorry, dude. That doesn't work for me.

I am tempted to move my brother in law in with my mother and let them kill each other. Hey, it's a thought!

There are many thoughts swimming through my mind right now. None that is worthy of being written down, though.