I appreciate all the comments I've been getting these past couple of months. Being addicted to anything, whether it's cigarettes, alcohol or hard core drugs. Support is important, and I wish I had more of it. I wish that things were different in my life, and that I had never touched drugs. Sometimes I wish that I had never done a lot of the things in my life, even if they are positive. I have no regrets, but I have a lot of "what if"s. A lot of mistakes that I don't regret that many people feel I should regret them. Why? They are my mistakes to have been made.
Dennis was sick for the while that he was gone. I don't feel sorry for him. I could have nursed him back to health on my own, but he chose to be with one of his friends. We have a lot of growing to do in this relationship, and that scares me. Many things come to mind when I think about us growing as a couple. Some of my friends have expressed that one never quite stops growing when you're in a relationship. Dennis is my main support. My cheerleader. As I was his. We leaned on each other when there was no one else in our lives who cared it we lived or died. There were people who said we were wasted lives, and there were people who said we should just give up. But we never gave up on each other.
Yes, I get mad at Dennis for not always being there for me, when I think he should be. But he has proven time and time again that he really does care for me and that he has been there when it mattered the most.
Since my last post, there has been more accumulation of Fentanyl and hydrocodone in the house. I have kept it around for God knows what reason, and then flushed it. I can't have that shit around, because I know I will fall from grace. Being weak. It's all I know how to be sometimes. Other times I don't know how I feel.
I wish Dennis trusted me more. Or that I felt he did. I feel that he trusts his friends more than he does me, and that sucks because I'm supposed to be his best friend. I know he is my best friend and that I trust him with my life. Perhaps it's time that we went back to couples' therapy? I know I've benefitted from therapy in the past. Maybe it's time we went back to therapy to benefit our future.