I wanted something to be done about my chronic sleeping patterns, the abnormal way that I would lay awake, watching the night progress into daytime, then falling asleep until dusk. It wasn't healthy. Obsessing over what could have been wasn't healthy either. I know I have made a lot of mistakes in my past. I know that I didn't always make the right choices. I know that because of these mistakes and choices, I ultimately made some people exceptionally miserable in the process, but I can't bring myself to dwell on these things. When I think about them for long periods of time, I get upset with myself and the fear of losing myself becomes too great.
Still, I struggle on to forget, or at least lessen the bindings that hold me down. Crying over these things does no good because the tears can't take back what has been done. I wake to the sudden realisation that I was in the middle of something, then realise that I have finished what I had started and my mind has been wiped by the powerful chemicals that cause amnesia.
Broken promises. Shattered dreams. Lives falling apart.
These aren't things that I would wish on anyone else, let alone the ones that at one time or another, I loved with all my heart.
I spent a good part of last week searching for love for someone that just wasn't there. I can't give what I don't have. I can't let go of what I was never holding onto anyway.