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Monday, December 5, 2011

Depression


Over the past month or so, I have had some pretty sad bouts of depression. It was caused from learning that my cancer has spread to my bones. Essentially, the bone marrow transplant I underwent this past spring was basically a waste of my time. To save my feelings, my doctor didn't give me a "prognosis time limit", but he told my husband something, and it must have been pretty bad because suddenly I got an iPhone 4S, a new HD camera, and I was allowed to use the credit card again. Oh, and we upgraded our cable service. So what the hell is going on?

All of that stacked up against me, I have been put on Cymbalta. Great for keeping me asleep, unmotivated from writing on the web, and in my personal journal, and for keeping me from eating too much, but I am still sad. The pain is still there. The crying still happens. I try to keep the smile on my face. I try not to recall the horrible dreams that plague me all night long, and wake me every so often and I have to double up on Ambiene. I try to go to work and be a happy, helpful person. I even tried to smile in the court room last week.

It didn't make me feel any better. That's because this sadness is not from a chemical imbalance, but from trauma. Simple sadness that will go away when it's ready, not when some pill tells it it is time to go.

We were supposed to get the first snow fall of the season today. Now the weather man is saying no. How appropriate.

Over the past month or so, I have had some pretty sad bouts of depression. It was caused from learning that my cancer has spread to my bones. Essentially, the bone marrow transplant I underwent this past spring was basically a waste of my time. To save my feelings, my doctor didn't give me a "prognosis time limit", but he told my husband something, and it must have been pretty bad because suddenly I got an iPhone 4S, a new HD camera, and I was allowed to use the credit card again. Oh, and we upgraded our cable service. So what the hell is going on?

All of that stacked up against me, I have been put on Cymbalta. Great for keeping me asleep, unmotivated from writing on the web, and in my personal journal, and for keeping me from eating too much, but I am still sad. The pain is still there. The crying still happens. I try to keep the smile on my face. I try not to recall the horrible dreams that plague me all night long, and wake me every so often and I have to double up on Ambiene. I try to go to work and be a happy, helpful person. I even tried to smile in the court room last week.

It didn't make me feel any better. That's because this sadness is not from a chemical imbalance, but from trauma. Simple sadness that will go away when it's ready, not when some pill tells it it is time to go.

We were supposed to get the first snow fall of the season today. Now the weather man is saying no. How appropriate.

1 comments:

Cecille Tuazon said...

Aww---sad news---I know this was from last year, how are you coping with your cancer???

Have a lovely X-mas---I know life is hard sometimes, and as you said, we feel depress not because of chemical imbalance, as I said to my brother in law last week, he asked me to go to the doctor and asked for some medicine, and I told him, I have reasons to get depress, I am going through a messy divorce, my sister died few weeks ago, and that's the 5th sibling died in our family...and it's not something you just pick up the pieces, not when you have seven deaths total in your family...

I like reading your blog by the way--make me feel a bit better...

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