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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Night Falls

Tonight is a night the words don't come easy. The photos, either. Repeats. Sometimes I wish I could just photograph the stars in the night sky and post them here, but that has already been done. Everything has already been done, at least once before. I'm not unique or special in my thinking that I am going to change the world by changing my story. The web leaves a bad taste in my mouth tonight because I'm remembering things I shouldn't and because I am off of my ForgetItAll meds. Medication that makes me forget about things after awhile by stuffing my mind full of happy things, things to look forward to, and happy, karma-esque ways that I so longingly look at.

After a few weeks off my meds, I'm suddenly not the zenful, happy person full of forgiveness that I was at the beginning of the month. Today I want to expose idiots, chase out the demons, and air out dirty laundry for all the world to know. Of course, in doing that, I will just essentially hurt myself and have to back track and clean up the mess once I do go back on my medication. Which could be anytime this coming week.

I'm shocked at the level that I have taken with this. Even though the words don't come easy and the photos are reruns, I have a lot I want to type out. My fingers are telling my mind that in essence, it will be better if I can just publish this or that. But my mind is telling the rest of me that this is not a good idea. Wait till you've been on your medication for a few days and then see if you want to share what you know with the world.

Then another part of me tells me that I am a cold hearted bitch and the world already thinks of me this way, so I might as well confirm their beliefs and write what I want about whomever I want.

The mind kicks back in and says no. That submitting to that is worse than fighting against it.

Back and fourth, back and fourth.

It's why I am not blogging much this month.
Tonight is a night the words don't come easy. The photos, either. Repeats. Sometimes I wish I could just photograph the stars in the night sky and post them here, but that has already been done. Everything has already been done, at least once before. I'm not unique or special in my thinking that I am going to change the world by changing my story. The web leaves a bad taste in my mouth tonight because I'm remembering things I shouldn't and because I am off of my ForgetItAll meds. Medication that makes me forget about things after awhile by stuffing my mind full of happy things, things to look forward to, and happy, karma-esque ways that I so longingly look at.

After a few weeks off my meds, I'm suddenly not the zenful, happy person full of forgiveness that I was at the beginning of the month. Today I want to expose idiots, chase out the demons, and air out dirty laundry for all the world to know. Of course, in doing that, I will just essentially hurt myself and have to back track and clean up the mess once I do go back on my medication. Which could be anytime this coming week.

I'm shocked at the level that I have taken with this. Even though the words don't come easy and the photos are reruns, I have a lot I want to type out. My fingers are telling my mind that in essence, it will be better if I can just publish this or that. But my mind is telling the rest of me that this is not a good idea. Wait till you've been on your medication for a few days and then see if you want to share what you know with the world.

Then another part of me tells me that I am a cold hearted bitch and the world already thinks of me this way, so I might as well confirm their beliefs and write what I want about whomever I want.

The mind kicks back in and says no. That submitting to that is worse than fighting against it.

Back and fourth, back and fourth.

It's why I am not blogging much this month.

1 comments:

_Dushka_ said...

medication or not, you should always feel able to say what's on your mind, I can't believe you're censoring yourself because you're afraid you won't always feel that way about whatever situation you spoke about, it doesn't matter if you feel something one minute but don't the next, that's okay.

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