Why is it that I dread the night so much?
The darkness? Or the fact that I cannot sleep anymore? I toss. I turn. I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. There is nothing that will relieve this in me. Nothing that I have, anyway. I know what will relieve it. Narcotics. After all this time, that is what I truly want. That is what I need.
My mum wants me to give her more money. Apparently, she found out about my four-month thing with Robert coming over, falling asleep after orgasm, and me getting first pick of his wallet. He doesn't care, but he doesn't like my mum, either. He tells me that the money cannot be spent on her. I tell him that I cannot keep the money if she finds out about it. At least her addiction is legal, she says.
I am never content at night. Stiff neck. Crawling out of my skin. Too hot. Too cold. Too achy. In need of a fix. Nothing working out. It's too dark. I do my best sleeping when the sun is bright in the sky and the air is warm. I want to stay awake at night and see the stars. It's been too long since I've seen the stars. Perhaps that is why I cannot sleep properly. I have been deprived of watching the stars dance in the sky at night.